I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
