I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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