if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
