You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
