Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
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