theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
