I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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