Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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