I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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