he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
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