dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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