I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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