I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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