and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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