it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
