Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
