I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
