Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
