I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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