I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
