The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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