i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
