I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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