and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize