Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
