I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
