why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
