i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
