sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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