Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
