my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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