I wish I could teleport
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
