I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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