He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
