I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
third nipple confirmed
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Randomize
