I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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