Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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