Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
