Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
