so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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