My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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