im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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