True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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