Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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