I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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