I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize