i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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