I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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