false alarm. still invincible.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
