I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
