Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
