he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
this will be a night to untag.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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