I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Who died my cat blue again?
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