She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
