I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Dicks are not precious.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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