The maid of honor just puked.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
