Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
