He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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