Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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