Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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