dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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