Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
